Tell Me a Joke....

Discussion in 'Games' started by DahliaBlue, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman and her twelve year old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She replies, "Well, most of them become taxi drivers."
     
  2. If I wanted a joke,
    I'd follow you to the urinal and watch you take a leak.

    Steve Martin - Plains, Trains, Automobiles
     
  3. Jack & Jill went up the hill to do the hanky-panky,
    Jack said, "Ooohhh,"
    Jill said, "Aaahhh,"
    And out came little Franky

    Jack & Jill went up the hill,
    to smoke a little leaf,
    Jack got high, unzipped his fly,
    And Jill said, "WHERE'S THE BEEF?"

    Jack & Jill went up the hill,
    each with a buck and a quarter...
    Jill came down with $2.50.
    That fuckin' whore!
    Andrew Dice Clay
     
    Last edited: Feb 18, 2017
  4. From the movie Predator
    Hey River...You could always get an addadicktomy!

    Just kidding...You left me an opening...
    Pun intended.

    :D
     
  5. I can't concentrate, you're distracting me!
    Give me the bat Wendy!
    Herrre's Johnny!

    RED RUM RED RUM!
    Not blood...
    The inside of a woman's vulva. :)
     
  6. The following joke is gross...Worse than typical blue humor. More dark humor.
    Reader discretion is advised.

    What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Laurena Bobbitt?

    Pardon me.
    You gonna eat that?

    Oh common, that is funny.

     
  7. As a body guard it was easy for me to tell Dolly Parton's kids in the crowds...

    I looked for the stretch marks around their mouths.
    [smilie=happy.gif]
     
  8. Did you hear that vibrators can no longer be sold to blondes...

    They keep chipping their teeth. [smilie=happy.gif]
     
  9. Why can't witches have children?

    Because of.....
    hollow weenies!
     
  10. This really conceited guy
    is screwing this really conceited gal,
    And she says, "Aren't I tight!"
    And he says, "Nope! Just full."
     
  11. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    After her operation, the famous movie star was propped up in bed in her private room as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling now?" he asked." A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" "Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after a tonsillectomy before."
     
  12. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A young blonde pilot is taking her first flying lesson in a two-seater plane. Her instructor suffers a sudden heart attack and dies.

    "May day! May day! Help me! Help me! My instructor pilot is dead and I don't know how to fly!"

    She hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is Air Traffic control. We can hear you loud and clear. I'll talk you through this and get you back on the ground safely. I've had a lot of experiences with this kind of problem. Now just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Give me your height and position."

    The blonde replies, "I'm 5'7 and in the front seat."

    (After a long pause)

    "Okay," says the the voice in the radio, "Now repeat after me.....Our Father Who art in heaven...."
     
  13. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day a blonde went into o Walt-Mart and saw something she liked.

    “What is this thing?” She asked the clerk.

    “A thermos.” The clerk replied. “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” The blonde bought one, and brought it to work the next day.

    “What is that thing?” asked her boss, who was also blonde.

    “A thermos. Keeps the hot things hot, and the cold things cold.”

    “Interesting,” her boss replied, “what do you have in it?”

    “I’ve got coffee and a popsicle inside.”
     
  14. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A trucker stopped at a local Denny's restaurant and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The new blonde waitress didn't want to appear stupid so she went to the kitchen and asked the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is... an auto parts store?" "No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is for two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon." It's a special trucker version of our 'Grand Slam Breakfast'. "Oh, Okay." said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!!"
     
  15. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!"
     
  16. TarynThomas
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    TarynThomas 1st Ever Dirtiest Girl in Porn

    There are four porn stars in the room two of them have a yeast infection two of them are on there period. What do you call it????
     
  17. TarynThomas
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    TarynThomas 1st Ever Dirtiest Girl in Porn

    A WINE AND CHEESE PARTYYY :)

    xoxox - Taryn Thomas
     
  18. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it. Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN. The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex. The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before. So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water. A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks: "Hello, how's the whole family doing?" The son, who answered the phone, answers: "Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'."
     
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  19. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    There were these two guys working late in a morgue, when one guy said, "Hey man there is a woman in there with a shrimp in her vagina!" The other asked, "What is a shrimp doing a dead woman's vagina? Let me go see." Both of them went in the room with the woman, and they both curiously looked. Finally, the second man said, "You idiot, this ain't no shrimp it's a clitoris." And the other man replied, "Well, it tasted like shrimp to me."
     
  20. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A cop pulled over a car for swerving all over the road. The blonde at the wheel looked very confused and scared. "What's going on here, ma'am?" "Well, I was driving along when all of a sudden there was a tree right in my path. I swerved to miss it, but there was another tree. And after that, another, and another." The cop looked inside her car and sighed. "Ma'am. That's your air freshener."
     
  21. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye."
     
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  22. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait." Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait." About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
     
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  23. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, "Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Her mom fainted.
     
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  24. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I`m going to shoot him!"
     
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  25. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Little Johnny is in the bathroom taking a pee when the toilet seat falls down on top of his penis. He starts screaming and crying. His mom comes running into the room wondering what's going on. He tells his mother, "Mommy, the toilet seat fell on top of my penis. Kiss it better." "Johnny you are getting more and more like your father everyday." His mother says.
     
  26. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

    The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

    The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

    The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."

    "No, that is still too crude. Try again."

    They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer."

    The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

    "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
     
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  27. englishpete
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    englishpete Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between light and hard?

    You can sleep with a light on.
     
  28. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today, than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
     
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  29. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two wives go out for girls' night. Both got drunk, started walking home and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave. The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! My wife came back with no panties." The other husband said, "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her crack that read, 'from all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you'!"
     
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  30. I'm addicted to brake fluid but I can stop anytime.
     
  31. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A student is taking his final exams. He takes his seat in the exam hall, stares at the questions and then in a fit for inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his shirt, pants and socks.
    The teacher, alarmed, approached him and asked what is going on? "I am only following the instructions -- the test paper states, answer the questions in brief.''
     
  32. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A married couple are having hard financial times so they decide that their only option is for the wife to become a prostitute. She’s not quite sure what to do, so the husband says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you have a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
    She’s been standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
    She says, “$100”
    He says, “All I have is $30”.
    She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to her husband and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, was the reply.
    She runs back and tells the guy for $30 he gets a hand job. He agrees, so she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE member...
    She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to her husband, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
     
  33. englishpete
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    englishpete Well-Known Member

    Teacher: what comes after 69?

    Little tommy: mouthwash.

    Teacher: get out!!!!!!
     
  34. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
     
  35. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am," said the officer. "Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
     

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