Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side. obviously it's way too early for this...........
A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money." The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda -- look it up." She is about to protest when the bear hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary. It says, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves."
Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor. When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill's wife isn't wearing any underwear. Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife follows him and asks, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" John admits that he did. She says, "You can have it, but it will cost you $100." They decide that John should come to her house around 2 p.m. on Friday while Bill is at work. On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill's wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves. When Bill comes home at 6 p.m., he asks his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?" Reluctantly, she replies, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Bill asks, "Did he give you $100?" She thinks, "Oh hell, he knows!" Finally she says, "Well, yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back."
Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? Oh Harry, that would be lovely! Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
Three blondes walk into a police station looking for jobs as detectives. They meet with the police chief who says, "I'm going to show you a side mugshot of a man and you need to tell me something interesting about him." He shows the picture to the first blonde and she says, "He's only got one eye". The police chief responds, "No, this is a side mug shot, so you will only see one eye." He shows the picture to the second blonde and she says, "He's only got one ear." The police chief again responds, "No, this is a side mug shot, so you will only see one ear." He shows the picture to the last blonde and she says "He wears contact lenses." Perplexed, the police chief looks through the file and sure enough, the man wore contact lenses. He says, "That's oddly correct. How did you know that?" The blonde responds, "Well with one eye and one ear, he can't be wearing glasses."
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polack with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polack's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long." The Polack grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
They say the funniest people have the most messed up stuff happen to them. Because to some people life is one big cosmic joke
There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"
A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon trail when he was captured by a group of ruthless banditos intent on killing him. In their drunkenness, they decided to go easy on him and grant him three requests. For his first, he asked for his horse. He whispered something to his horse, who then rode off and returned with a beautiful woman. The cowboy spent the night with the woman. The same thing happened the second day. But when the horse returned on the third day with another woman, the cowboy lost his temper and yelled, "You stupid horse! I said 'posse!"
Sex Before Marriage John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. A policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and pick them up. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, why not make the best of it? So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays."
My wife asked when we were going out. "After a shave," I told her. "You shaved this morning" she said. "Yeah," I replied "I wasn't talking about me"
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!" His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' ...and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?" The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside." Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note. "Here were his last words. Just before passing on, he wrote this message to you." The wife tearfully opened the note which read :"GET OFF MY FUCKING OXYGEN HOSE!!"
Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3 children. The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes. The doctor yells out, " Save the children" The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!" The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
A Cow, an Ant, and an Old Fart are debating who is the greatest of them. The Cow says, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day, and that is why I am the Greatest!" The Ant says, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight, and that is why I am the Greatest!" Why are you scrolling down? It is your turn to say something.....
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. The man tells her it will be $300. She exclaims, "I don't have any money, but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!!!" To that the man asks, "Anything??" And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!!" With that, the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. He then says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says, "Well, go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips, she says, "Hello...Mom?"
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it," the attorney said.
Q: Did you know that United Airlines is getting into the fast-food business? A: They now offer Chinese take-out!
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!" John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
Q: How Can you tell when Ronald McDonald goes to a nudist colony? A: He's the one walking around with Sesame seeds on his buns....Wakka Wakka
Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs? A: Because he doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing the chickens.
“Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?” “Because your mum loves easter and it’s an anagram of easter !” “Thanks dad!” “No problem, Alan”
I Love You in 9 Languages HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES: English - I Love you Spanish - Te Amo French - Je T'aime German - Ich Liebe Dich Japanese - Ai Shite Imasu Italian - Ti Amo Chinese - Wo Ai Ni Swedish - Jag Alskar Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky - Nice Tits
A shipwreck occurred, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island. They didn’t know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was. At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn’t anybody else in the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier. It was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, and she noticed this. One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… “What’s wrong?” Scarlett Johansson asked, “Nothing…” the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn’t asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him. “Really?, you’ll do anything I’d like?” “yes” she said “anything!” “OK, first i want you to take off your toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore” “OK…” “Now put this shirt on please, but first, “tape” your boobs so they are flat” “Wha… ok, I’d say I’d do anything” she said lovingly. “Ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it” she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat. “Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache” “OK… if this is what you want…” she muttered. “now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach i’ll catch up to you in a bit” he said a bit excited. She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn’t her, maybe it was h… Suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says, “DUDE!!! You wont believe who I’ve been fucking for the past 6 months!”
