A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. He turns to the woman and says, "Twice you've sneezed and twice you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
So if your girlfriend is a Vegan, can you still convince her to give you a blowjob? Not to be-labor the point but how's the pregnancy? Okay, coin toss. Heads I win, tails you lose. Alcohol, helping humans make bad decisions since 300 B.C.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "They're in three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly! The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."
Okay so this is a visual joke....can you see my hands? LMAO Why did the blonde get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones. Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M's factory? Because she threw out all the W's. What did the blonde say when she saw Cheerios? Donut seeds. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
You can always tell the progression of your relationship based on how you handle farts; 1) Early stages you run to the bathroom or wait til they're not around. 2) More comfortable around them or just moved in, you try to be sneaky and blame it on the dog. If you don't have a dog you blame it on something going bad in the refrigerator. 3) Very comfortable you freely share with them or "Hey honey pull my finger" or "Hold your nose I'm gonna fluff the covers" become routine.
Sharky was sitting at the bar and noticed a lovely lady sitting a couple seats down, he got the bartenders attention and asked him to go offer to buy the young lady a drink on him. The bartender came back and said she's flattered but it wasn't necessary, so Sharky said to ask her again and that it would be his pleasure. She accepted and once the drink was delivered Sharky moved down to sit next to her. They talked about work, travels and then he asked her if she would like to go on a date. "I'm sorry I don't date guys, I'm a lesbian" she replied. "What's a lesbian?" Sharky asked. "Well, I like women, I really like women and I like having sex with women. I don't have sex with men." They politely finished their conversation and the lady left and Sharky sat there puzzled and thinking. The next day Sharky went out to the BunnyRanch and was having a conversation with @TiaraTae & @LeeannaLove and kept asking about a lesbian party. The girls being puzzled at Sharky's question asked him, "Why are you interested in a lesbian party? Either one of us can party with you or both of us can party with you." He replied, "Well ladies I think I'm lesbian so I was wondering if that was a specialty party."
Why do they call blended fruits and veggies smoothies? Would you really buy something called a fruit and veggie abortion. Why do they call them Rocky Mountain Oysters? Would you really buy something called calf nuts? What does omelette translate to from French? I screwed up the eggs serve it to the American.
"I have a ten inch dick, abs of steel, pythons that would make Hulk Hogan blush, and am the owner of a multi billion dollar Fortune 500 company."
I won't laugh, said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 15 years of working here, I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay, then," Said Randy, and he proceeded to drop his pants revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width, it was almost identical to a AA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to suppress a laugh, but it just came out. Feeling very bad at laughing at the mans part she composed herself as best she could. "I'm very sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor, as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?" "Its swollen," Randy replied. She ran out of the room.
Ace: Hang on Stan I have to take this call. "Hello Ace's Plumbing can I help you? Yes. Yes. No, no problem I can be there at 2pm. Thanks and see you then." Stan: Ace, I didn't know you were a plumber, I thought you were accountant. Ace: Oh no that, I am an accountant, but my lady friend is married and has to fool her husband whenever she wants to see me. Stan: So why be a plumber? Ace: Every time she wants me to come over I'm laying pipe.
There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!" After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!" And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!" The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US $300. The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!" There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"
a group of mathematicians walk into a bar. one goes to the bartender and says, i'll have a pint of beer. the next guy asks for a half pint,,the next guy asks for half of what the guy before him had, and so on and so on. the bartender finally fed up with serving tiny amounts of beer to this group, finally tells them, "you guys really need to know your limits!!"
A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town. Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Wasukima! Wasukima!" He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever. Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients. As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted "Wasukima!" All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked, "Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?"
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy about?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said, "It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!" The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?" "Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I told her, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Mike. Much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, "It's either screw or swim!" She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!" A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad about?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, "Can I have a ride in your boat?" So I said, "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said, "It's either screw or swim!" She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!
This one is my all-time favorite. It's clean enough to tell to kids. Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first. While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!" The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"
Okay, okay....you're gonna like this one. It's February 2017 Dak Prescott, Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers walk into a bar..... So they can watch the Superbowl.
A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."
Adam & Eve are in the Garden of Eden and having just bitten the apple of knowledge they started fooling around. Suddenly Adam pushes Eve away as his cock began to get hard. Eve: "Why are you pushing me away, I want you so badly." Adam: "Stand back I don't know how big this thing is going to get."
Guy: I have a really big cock Woman: Yeah, yeah I hear that all the time, how do you know it's big? Guy: Well I have "supercalifragilisticexpialodoucious" tattooed on it. Woman: Damn, that's making me wet...so just to make sure let me check it for spelling.
