Tell Me a Joke....

Discussion in 'Games' started by DahliaBlue, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. Q= Why was the blonde hooker fired after giving boss a blowjob?
    A= She would only blow on it 2 minutes before loosing her breath
     
  2. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray. ''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money. My mom needs surgery and I have bills to pay. Please let me win the lottery.'' He left the synagogue, a week went by, and he didn't win the lottery. So, he went to a mosque and started to pray again. ''You're starting to disappoint me, God,'' he said. ''I've prayed and prayed. If you just let me win the lottery, I'll be a better person. I don't have to win the jackpot, just enough to get me out of debt. I'll give some to charity, even. Just let me win the lottery.'' John thought this did it, so he got up and walked outside. The clouds opened up and a booming voice said, ''John, buy a fucking lottery ticket.''
     
  3. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A couple is having an intimate dinner at Marea, New York's best Italian restaurant. Their server, standing a few tables away, watches as the guy slides all the way down his chair and out of sight. The woman across from him seems to not notice. The server comes over and says, "Excuse me, Ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman says, "No he didn't, he just walked in the door."
     
  4. A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.

    The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"

    She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
     
  5. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Ma and Pa are sitting out on the front porch one day. "You know what? Junior's 21. It's time we taught him about sex. Junior, get out here!" Junior runs out. "Junior, I think it's time to teach you about sex." "Sex," says Junior. "What's sex?" "Well," Pa says. "Take off your clothes, Ma." So Ma takes off her clothes. "You see that hole in Ma? Watch this." Pa starts doing it right there on the porch. A little while goes by and Junior's younger brother, Bubba comes out on the porch and asks what's going on. "Ma and Pa are teaching me about sex." "Sex? What's sex?" "See that hole in Pa? Watch this!"
     
  6. Q: Why did the chicken say, "Meow, oink, bow-wow, moo?"

    A: He was studying foreign languages.
     
  7. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why do midgets laugh when they play soccer?
    A: Because the grass tickles their balls!
     
  8. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A Mexican couple in their late teens come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?" The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, "Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars." They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly." The boy explains, "The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid."
     
  9. Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?

    A: "If I had that much dough, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole."

    [​IMG]
     
  10. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q. What do you get with a corduroy condom?

    A. A groovy kind of love.
     
  11. A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him. He walks up to the man and says, ''Hello, sir, I like your dog!''

    The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, ''It's not a dog, it's a brick.''

    The policeman replies, ''Oh, sorry, I thought you were a bit mad,'' and walks off rather puzzled.

    As the policeman goes out of sight, the man turns to the brick and says, ''That fooled him, didn't it Rover?''
     
  12. LOL, Amy!!!! :D:D:D
    ......................................
     
  13. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A zoophile, a sadist, a murderer, a necrophile, a pyromaniac, and a masochist, are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

    "Let's have sex with a cat?" said the zoophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

    "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

    There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
     
  14. Q: What did the bird say after his cage fell apart?

    A: "Cheap, cheap!"
     
    Kasey Black likes this.

  15. LOL... stealing that one! [smilie=heart fill with love.gif]
     
  16. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A young marine talks to his dad about parachute practice. We had to jump out of helicopters" the boy said. His father replies "how scary! And you just... jumped?" The boy shyly, said, "Well, I was very scared, and I just stood there at first." The dad got stern, "And what did the drill sergeant say?" He said, 'If you don't jump this fucking instant, I'm gonna stick my big hairy cock up your little ass." The dad got wide eyed, "Did you jump?" He asked. "Only at first."
     
  17. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
    ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
    The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
     
  18. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.
    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won; a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in the United States.
    If nothing there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide technical support for computer companies.
     

  19. :D:D:D:D These innocent jokes always make me giggle. Thanks for posting, Amy!
     
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  20. My favorite...

    Q. - What kind of pants do Mario and Luigi wear?

    A. - DenimDenimDenim
     
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  21. Hey what's do a blonde and a tornado have in common .they both suck and blow till your house caves in

    Cajun man with love
     
  22. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy gets into a crowded hotel elevator and can't reach the controls, so he loudly requests, "Ballroom please." The lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you!"
     
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  23. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Why do bankers make great lovers?

    A: They know the penalty for early withdrawal.
     
  24. A young married couple maintains a strict sexual schedule. Every day, the husband and wife get home from work at 5 p.m. and have sex at 5:15 p.m.

    One day, the wife comes down with the flu and goes on antibiotics. The medicine kills all the germs, except for three, who huddle together inside her body to talk over survival tactics.

    One germ decides to hide from the antibiotics between two toes on her left foot. The second germ decides to hide behind her right ear.

    The last germ says, "You guys do what you want, but when the 5:15 pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."
     
  25. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: Did you hear of the guy who could literally master any craft, provided he masturbated before learning it?

    A: He was jack off all trades.
     
  26. This one deserves a slow clap..
    *clap* *clap* *clap*
     
  27. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: In Thailand, where on the woman's body is the clitoris?
    A: Depends on the surgeon
     
  28. A family was having guests to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and says, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

    "I wouldn't know what to say," replies the little girl.

    "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie."

    Her daughter takes a deep breath, bows her head, and solemnly says, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner?"
     
  29. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    This lady goes to a vet and learns that if you put a ribbon around a snoring dog's penis he'll roll over and stop snoring.
    The next night her dog is snoring so she goes to the kitchen and gets a red ribbon and ties it around her dog's penis. His snoring stopped. Later on that night her husband is snoring and so she goes to the kitchen and gets a blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's penis, and he stops snoring. The next morning her husband wakes up and looks at his dog and looks down at himself. "I don't know what happened last night, but it appears we came in first and second."
     
  30. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Confucius say...

    Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
     
  31. A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

    The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

    A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife. "Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden."

    The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
     
  32. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed. Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed. The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?" The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around. About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?" The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer." So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer. The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine." "And how about the Martian woman?" The farmer replied, "That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!"
     
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  33. Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

    The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

    The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."

    The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."
     
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  34. John N Ga
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    Q: Why do men name their penises?

    A: Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions!
     
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  35. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day, and couples have Valentine's day what do single guys have?

    A: Palm Sunday.
     
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