I don’t know how many people know that I suffer from depression. It’s something I hardly ever talk about. My bouts with depression these days are nowhere near as bad as they were in my younger days. But still, the worst thing you can say to someone with depression is “Get over it,” coz we just can’t. I have visited the brothels three times before my marriage, and twice after. Of those times, only one of them was a truly emotional experience. At least three of those visits were after breakups. One of them, I saw coming. The next caught me by surprise. The last was my divorce. Everyone knows of my “divorce cherry” visit. The lovely and talented Natasha Star took care of that. That one that I bring up once in a while is the other one, but you can go back further. My first brothel visit was to lose my virginity. I’ve told that story before so we’ll skip it. I was in a long distance relationship for several months. It was an endurance test that was ultimately a train wreck. I met this girl on an online dating site and after a bit, we got close. Usually, if I’m in an online long distance relationship with someone, we chat for a few weeks before I get ghosted. This one, Sheri, didn’t do that. Instead, she sent a bus ticket to her ex to come live with her. Whether it happened before or after she and I started our relationship is not known to me. According to her, he was only gonna be there for a few days. Then a few weeks. Then a few months. My mind didn’t want to accept the reality of the situation. Sheri had no problem telling me she’d been having sex with the guy. So my depression got triggered. I’ve tried to chat, but she wasn’t available. I’ve tried to call. The guy intercepted me, and if Sheri did answer, she’d rush me off the phone. This led to me having an anxiety attack at work. Fortunately, later that day, I had a moment of clarity. She and I just weren’t going to happen, especially with him in the picture. So I stopped calling, I stopped messaging, and I made plans to go to a brothel for the second time, close to my birthday. That trip was actually ill-fated. My Jeep Cherokee had an oil leak that I didn’t know about. The oil needle was hovering over zero. So I had to pull over to the side and wait for my mom and my uncle to come rescue me. Nothing to do but wait. I walked around the desert close to my Jeep and stole some rocks from a message in the flats. I wrote out, “Good one, god!” and I made it visible from the road. So this trip had to be postponed, and after some repairs, my Jeep was ready to tackle this trip. One morning, Sheri contacted me through Yahoo Messenger (Remember that?), and she told me that she was pregnant and she’s gonna stay with the dude that did it. I told her that if the news came a month earlier, it would have killed me. She still wanted to be friends and keep me as a backup…just in case. But she and I had a falling out and didn’t speak for a year. A month later, I made my second brothel trip and kept an eye out for any other disasters that might head my way. Because my luck is horrible, especially with women. I went to the same brothel and spent some time with this girl that couldn’t believe me when I told her about this girl that replaced me before anything happened. I’d have trouble believing it myself if it wasn’t happening to me. But I had fun, and went back to the search. I should have just kept going back to the brothels. A year passes and Sheri comes back. Mr Wonderful, my replacement, jetted and she was looking for her plan B…me. But I wasn’t really interested. I told her I’m not trusting her as blindly as before. I was conflicted as I didn’t want to be in this situation anymore but I didn’t want to be alone forever and still had feeling for her. Then she tells me after a year, her name wasn’t Sheri, it was Danine. Just like that, my feelings vanished. I was done. I was watching the Bunnyranch series around this time, and I was making it my goal to party with at least one of the girls featured on the show. Unfortunately, I never made the trip. In fact, I hadn’t even set foot in Nevada for those two years. I should have made more trips. But my depression was weighing me down. Then came Christina. I met Christina online. I’d known her for years prior, but after her divorce, we’d been talking more and more. She was dating one dude, but they were in the outs. The dude called me, begging me to talk to Christina and get her to go back to him. I told him I’ll do what I can. After hanging up, I thought, “I will do what I can…which is nothing!” I cackled at the audacity. Dude, I’m your competition! I’m working against you! That’s like Nintendo asking Sony to depower their next PlayStation. Nope! This is a heel run and I’m turning heel! I called Christina up and told her that her “boyfriend” called me and threatened me. She called him, ripped him a new one, and officially dumped him. It was a heel move for sure, but it sure felt great to be on the winning side for once. She and I had been on a few dates, and I took her to get a massage on her birthday. Now she tried not to think of me as anything more than “just a friend,” but this was her first massage, and she thought it was the greatest thing ever. Another date, a dinner and a movie, saw us PDAing at every chance. I forgot what movie we saw because we were too busy making out through it. After that, she barely called, so I’m thinking, “Either we’re official or I’m going back to Nevada.” Christina invited me to her house one evening, and it seemed like we were going to be official. We were up all night, then I took her and her kids to breakfast. After that, we said our goodbyes and that I’d call her later. I went home to take a nap and when I woke up, I called her. She seemed like she was in a hurry to get off the phone. Ok, that’s cool. We’ll talk later. I turned on my computer to see an offline message from Christina that read: “Nick, I’m sorry, but I really think we should just be friends. I know you wanted to be in a relationship with me, but I really can’t right now, but I really wanted to. I have no doubt you’ll find someone better than me.” I was crushed! My depression got triggered and it was at max! I messaged back, asking if it was something I said or did. No response. I then wrote back, “Just like everyone else! I thought you were different!” To Christina’s credit, she didn’t dump me for the usual superficial shit, and was hoping I could have kids of my own, but it still hurt. My luck with women is horrible. It was hard enough to find someone that didn’t treat being with me as a death sentence. After a couple of weeks, I made a long awaited trip to Nevada. I just needed to be held. This was the only way that was going to happen. I took some time off from work and got a room in Wendover. The following day, I drove to Wells, same place as before. I stumbled into that brothel and the bartender greeted me. “Hi hun! You looking for a girlfriend?” “I need a friendly ear and maybe a friendly body. Certainly not getting that where I live.” I ordered a drink and sat down. I was told to let her know when I’m ready for a lineup. One of the girls comes out and talks to the bartender for a little bit, and the bartender points me out to her. She comes over and asks me if she could sit with me. I found her very attractive, so I said yes. I told her what brought me to the brothel, and she took me on a tour. We made it to her room and she could tell I was hurting. She gave me what she called her “broken heart special,” which was three hours for the price of two. That’s what I needed. I spent at least some of that time crying on her shoulder. She told me that for the time we had together, I was her boyfriend. We eventually had sex. She eased me into it. I personally didn’t care if we had sex or not. I just wanted to be loved on. During sex, my orgasm hit and I blurted out, “I love you!” then I realized what I had said and was like, “Sorry about that.” She laughed, gave me a kiss, and told me “That’s ok. You can love me if you want. That’s what I’m here for.” We talked for a while after for the time we had left. She told me, “I’m sure you’ll find someone, but until that day, I’ll be glad to be here for you.” I told her, “Then I’ll see you again for sure.” Truth be told, at that time, my depression was out of control, and not even antidepressants were touching it. I was also feeling very self destructive around that time. That trip helped me. I dare say it saved my life. I was feeling better after that. Funny thing was I met my future wife just a month after. And ten years later, we’re divorced. But I’m not depressed. I think I’ve posted this before, but this is a longer version of it.
Amazing life story. I see so many like yours on different levels. Sexual healing is real and the feelings of being connected on so many levels heals peoples hearts. Appreciate you hun. <3
I totallyfeelyou on so much of this. I hope you make it back to the ranches this year I know I for one really enjoy your company online I would love the chance to hangout in person with you. You are a sweet sincere man and I sincerely hope this is your year!
Nothing mends a broken heart better than a good connection. I was still a little broken up after, but thankful that I had, and still have, an alternative. I hope I get to visit Nevada more than once next year.
Great Story Nick I told mine in another topic but the Ranches are really a lot more than just sex etc. I've made some very good friends over the years there. Hope we get to meet up someday if you are ever in Vegas or anything
Something I really should add is that after I got married, I mended fences with both Danine and Christina. So the bitterness was only temporary. My ex and I met Christina at a bar during karaoke night, and it was great for me to reconnect with an old friend and my ex loved Christina. My ex turned to me and said, “You know, I’d do Christina, to which I replied, “I did.” Christina was a good friend of ours, and even got to meet my daughter as a baby. She became my daughter’s honorary auntie, and we met up for lunch on occasion. I sent Danine a friend request on Facebook which was accepted without hesitation. We reminisced on things though there really wasn’t much to reminisce on, and she apologized to me me for things not working out between us. It told it wasn’t necessary. Things happen for a reason. We both moved on and we’re better people for it. Sadly, both women passed away. Christina in 2012, and Danine in 2013. When I was still in a relationship with Danine, she inspired me to come up with a female wrestler that didn’t make it into any game I had until her passing. In WWE 2K14, I created a cowgirl named Bonnie Clyde, and stated on Community Creations that the character was a tribute to an old friend who’d passed away. I used Bonnie in storylines where she was a champion then turned heel after dropping the belt, adopting the nickname “The Outlaw.” Recently, she’s been renamed Bonnie Darling, and is a baby face once again. For Christina, I plan on doing something more personal. I have been planning this for years but I haven’t done it yet. In the past, Christina asked me if I’d design a tattoo for her. A pinup girl. After a few false starts, I designed a tattoo that was an anime girl with an angel wing on one side and a demon wing on the other. She loved it and had it put on. Now I’m thinking of having it put on me to honor her. She did, and still does, have a special place in my heart.
@Old Nick i always thought I had the worst luck with women but you may have me tied! I have struggled with depression past and present so I know what it can feel like. I just want to say thank you for still being here. Thank you for spreading joy and happiness to everyone through your posts and words. Personally I’ve got a lot from your stuff just in my short time on here. Whenever things start to get dark you have a whole community here that will stand by you and feel free to message me anytime.
Nick, I took my time to read this & the sheer courage and ability to be open is appreciated. I love how you made this a human experience where others often make it solely about sex. We are so much more. I am happy that this was your experience.
Thank you. I have never looked at my sessions as “just getting laid.” I’m either reconnecting with someone I’d met before, or establishing a new connection with someone I’ve wanted to meet. Pretty much when I take these Nevada trips, as far as anyone knows, I’m “visiting friends,” which I’ve been told is not a lie at all.
Man, I don't if the girl that helped you is still here, retired, working somewhere else but she sounds amazing
