Q: What do a whore and a bungee jumper have in common? A: They cost the same, last as long, and if the rubber breaks you're fucked.
Over the past year, my sexual fetishes have been slowly getting more perverse. But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I realized I’d hit rock bottom.
Blind Man A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. "Who is it?" "Blind man," came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, "Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?"
Interpretation I was having sex with a woman when her husband got home early. She told me to use the back door and to be quick. I probably should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
A Concerned mother warns her little boy, "don't look at naked women or you'll turn to stone." Johnny loved his mother, and as such decided not to look at naked women. But one day johhny and his friend were walking along a beach, and saw a woman sunbathing naked. Johnny remembered what his mother said, and turned and ran away from the woman. his friend finally catches up to him and asks why he ran. Johnny told his friend what his mother said, and then added, "and it must be true, because when i saw that woman I felt myself going rock hard in my trousers
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
My friend told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin. I said: "You lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?" "Oh that's easy," he said, "Her brother has a mustache."
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, "We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon." "Uh huh," said the old man. "We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "Uh huh," said the old man. "And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon," said the old woman. "That's right," said the old man, "except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, 'It's too big, it's too big!'"
How do you know you've been married too long? Every time you have sex with your wife you feel like you're cheating on your ✋ hand....
Two blondes are sitting outside on Halloween night looking at the moon. One blonde asks the other, "Which do you think is closer, Florida or the moon?" The other blonde replies, "The moon, silly. You can't see Florida from here!"
A hillbilly girl went up to her dad and said" Pal can I have $20 ? I want to go to the school dance." So the dad said " well your gonna have to suck my dick." She says" okay." So she starts sucking looks up at him and says " Damn Pal your dick tastes like shit." Her dad says " Yep your brother wanted to borrow the truck...."
A blonde wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she ran-out on him. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of their marriage and wasn't going to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen table and hid under the bed when she heard her husband open the garage. Her husband came into the kitchen, saw the note and then wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of pants. He then called someone on his cell phone and said, "Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, she's gone, gone gone! I'll be over in 10 minutes! He then rushed out and drove off. The blonde wife comes out from under the bed with tears in her eyes and reads what her husband wrote on the note. "I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed. I've gone to buy some beer."
There is an old colonial cemetery where the grave markers are flat. A man and woman sneak in there one night after a Halloween party to make love. The next day the woman is complaining of a terrible back ache, so she goes to see her doctor. The doctor asks her to put on a gown and examines her back but finds nothing wrong. He asks her how old she is, and she says 28. The doctor says that's interesting because it says on your ass that you died in 1784.
Mamma tomato, Papa tomato, and Baby tomato are all hopping down the street... Baby tomato starts to fall behind so Papa tomato turns around, squishes him and says, "Ketchup" hahahaha
Two blondes were discussing last-minute sexy costume ideas. Both had on little black dresses and stilettos but were looking for a creative accessory to spice up their outfits. With limited time and options, the blondes cooked some eggs and put them on hats to be "so hot you can fry an egg on us". A few hours later at the party the blondes are getting a lot of attention. A guy says to his buddies, "hey look! Eggs over easy!"
Why is it safe to have unprotected sex with a vampire? Because vampires can’t come inside unless invited.
Ethel checked into a Motel on her birthday; she was lonely, a little depressed at her age and so decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs. She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded so sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night.. tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line"
Rodeo Sex Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex". That's when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the act you whisper in her ear, "Your sister has a tighter pussy than you", then try to hold on for 8 seconds!
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy. The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
I was screwing my wife last night and she looked back and said, “I’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!” As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, now you can follow me over to Target."
A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments. The door opened and a man entered. "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," he began. "I have stolen." The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary. The next time the door opened, a woman walked in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner." The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady, "What does Father John give for a blow job?" "$12.50 if I take me teeth out."
Lesbian Visits a Whore House A popular whore house was visited by a lesbian. The lesbian requested a 15 year old, and the madam replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors to lickers."
Bicycle Crash At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."
A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old. "The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?" She replies, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."
Rejection Lines by Women TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now.. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's) 5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)
Did you hear about the two sattelite dishes who got married? The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing.
