Tell Me a Joke....

Discussion in 'Games' started by DahliaBlue, Jul 8, 2016.

  1. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A soldier comes home on leave and tells his wife about his parachute training. “It was terrible,” he says. “I was in the plane and ready to jump, when I froze. I couldn’t move. The Seargent came up behind me, got out this enormous dick of his and said he’d stick it up my ass if I didn’t jump.” “Oh my God,” says his wife. “So did you jump?” “Well, yes,” says the soldier. “A little bit – at first.”
     
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  2. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!" "Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has light bulbs for dinner!" "Really?" "Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!"
     
  3. Did you hear about the guy with premature ejaculation?

    He came out of nowhere!
     
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  4. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
     
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  5. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    If sex with two other people is a threesome, and sex with three others is a foursome, then I guess that makes me handsome!!
     
  6. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Call for Me


    Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 68 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!
     
  7. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    My friend told me he was shagging his girlfriend's twin.
    I said: "You lucky thing! But how do you tell them apart?"
    "Oh that's easy," he said, "Her brother has a mustache."
     
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  8. Natasha Star
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    Natasha Star Starlet of the Year! I put passion in compassion

    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
     
  9. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
     
  10. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A hooker was explaining her lifestyle to a girlfriend. "I put one stocking on one leg. One stocking on the other leg, and between the two I make a living."
     
  11. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times." The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done." So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!" The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"
     
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  12. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    An old man and his wife went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked the man for a blood, urine and feces sample. The man was slightly deaf and said, "What?" The doctor said, "I need a blood, urine and feces sample." The man still looked puzzled, so his wife leaned over and yelled into his ear, "Sheldon, the doctor needs a pair of your underwear."
     
  13. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. The girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "Cough drops," and snickered. Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?" The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em, can't I?"
     
  14. Q: What do Teamsters & Lesbians have in common?
    A: Both don't do dick
     
  15. A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25
     
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  16. Natasha Star
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    Natasha Star Starlet of the Year! I put passion in compassion

    What did the Banana say to the Vibrator?
    Why are you shaking? Shes going to eat me!
     
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  17. Now I have done this one at ranches before at BR to Barbie & Kimber Rae & Six Shades & @chanel LRV to Sunny Lane & Lady Aries & Paris Envy
    Just heads up if your a guy doing it. Ya might get the evill oooohhh and then hit. Like I did.

    Take a $20 bill have them look at it. Then have them answer these questions.
    1) Do you see a person? They say yes
    2) Do you see a place? They say yes
    3) Do you see a date? They say yes
    4) Do you see sex? They say No Then you tell them. "Your not going to for that price."
     
  18. Now this is more of a prank then joke. Barbie & I used to pull it off at BR Then Aries & I at LRN And Aries & Paris & I at LRV. Sage is hard to do cause Vip is down hall near Gentlemans club and hot tub is opposite side of ranch. Also ya have to convince Cheryl it is just for fun.

    Well if ya ever gone back with girls to talk about parties & prices. Ya know 9 out 10 times they always go on their bed. So this is what you do.

    Ya get the VIP room.
    Then set up bed with blow up doll in it covered up and sybian under attached to it.
    Then ya go and pay off the booker. And have them send girls in there.
    We used like a baby monitor hidden to know when they went on bed. Cause we would turn up controls on sybian. Watch them freak out.

    Well ya just sit back and watch how many ya can get to fall for it before they catch on or catch you.
     
  19. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

    After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

    The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!"
     
  20. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Q: If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?

    A: The Swallow.
     
  21. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. He turns to the woman and says, "Twice you've sneezed and twice you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."
     
  22. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two girls were roommates. One evening, Millie came running in, shedding clothes on the way to the bathroom. She yelled, "Hurry up Tillie, get ready for our date!" Tillie didn't know anything about the date and said so. Millie explained that she'd met two really great looking guys and had made dates for both of them for that evening. Tillie said, "I'm not going out on any more blind dates." "Why not?"" They're always the same," said Tillie, "It's sex, sex, sex! Nothing but a pain in the ass!" Millie looked at her in disbelief and exclaimed, "Honey, you're doing it wrong!"
     
  23. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"
     
  24. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A Texas father announces to the bar that his wife has just gave birth to "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations resounded. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"
    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds," The bartender is concerned: "What the hell happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth."
    The Texas father takes a slow swig from his Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
     
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  25. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "Okay, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
     
  26. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She re- marries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
     
  27. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

    "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

    "Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

    "Opened a can of peas instead!"
     
  28. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Jeff snoozed through his morning wake-up alarm and had scrambled to get dressed, drop the kids off and get to work. He rushed into the office and as he was passing by the receptionist she said, "You left the garage open." At first he thought maybe his neighbor had called but then realized that she was trying to tell him nicely that his zipper was open. He went back to see her and asked, "Did you notice the Porsche in the garage?" She replied, "No, all I saw was a mini-van with flat tires."
     
  29. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    We were telling blonde joke in the bar the other day and this gem came up

    How do you drown a blonde?

    Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
     
  30. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?

    Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.
     
  31. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? There’s great food, but no atmosphere.


    Lololol

    Ima dork!
    Mickee-Bee-12-22-2018-11s (1).jpg
     
  32. AjaMercury
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    AjaMercury Heavenly Mercury Incarnate

    whats green with wheels?

    grass I lied about the wheels
     
  33. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago." The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and he immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. They made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!" The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"
     
  34. thunderstorm
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    thunderstorm Well-Known Member

    I am doing a bra giveaway.

    Send me pics of your boobs and I’ll see if I have something that fits you.
     
  35. John N Ga
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    John N Ga Well-Known Member

    A father has decided that his three daughters were now old enough to understand the more serious things in life, so he called them one by one to his room. When the first one came in, he took down his pants and asked if his daughter knew what it was. His daughter replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Shocked that his daughter already knows so much, he grounded his daughter for a week. He called his second daughter in and also took down his pants. When he asked if she knew what it was, she also replied, "Yes daddy, that's a penis." Needless to say, he also grounded her for one week.He called his last daughter into the room, took down his pants, and asked if she knew what it was. She replied "No, daddy, what is it?" The father was happy, knowing that his daughter is pure.

    " My good daughter, this is a penis." He says, starting his talk, but is is interrupted by his daughter saying, "You call that a penis?"
     

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