A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor says to her "What's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?" "Oh, that's easily explained." the wife says. "For the past six months, I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'. So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore." "Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?"
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, now you can follow me over to Target."
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something?" The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell – they don’t serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in the country would start flying again, expecting to see naked women. Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. The tips would be so good we could charge the ‘ladies’ for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and “special services.” Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right — a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn’t Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself? Sincerely, Bill Clinton
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple were newlyweds. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can, and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
Q: What did Santa Claus say the night he first met his future wife? A: Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you.
An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave. The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!
Two elves walk into Santa's office. Santa looks up and says, "Gary, Larry, how can I help you?" Gary and Larry look at each other, then turn to Santa. "Santa", Gary says, "Are there any elf nuns in the workshop?" Santa checks a list and says, "No, I'm sorry but there are no elf nuns in the workshop." Gary asks, "Well Santa, are there any elf nuns working any where in our factory?" Santa checks a list then says, "I'm sorry, but there are no elf nuns working in the factory." Gary looks at Larry and asks, "Santa, are there any elf nuns in the North Pole at all?" Santa looks at his list for a few minutes and says, "I'm sorry Gary, but there aren't any elf nuns in the North Pole." Larry finally busts out laughing and says, "Gary fucked a penguin, Gary fucked a penguin!
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
Little boy came into the kitchen and declared, "Mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow."
A guy was having sex with a woman when her husband got home early. She told him to use the back door and to be quick. He probably should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that.
True Redneck Girl Q: How do you know when you have a true redneck girl? A: When she can chew tabacco and give you a blow job at the same time, and knows which one to spit and which one to swallow.
Bob O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" Bob said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, Bob!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of Bob's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Bob won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed. 3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year. . What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. How is a girlfriend like a laxative? They both irritate the shit out of you.
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He replied, "Explain the kids!"
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
OK Ladies, these are the jokes men laugh about. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." Now I am a woman and here is my joke. Buckle your seat belts because I'll only need one. ****** Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.******* **** Why did God make man before woman? You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.**** **How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.** *Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners? So men can remember them.* Thanks guys, your awesome. Aren't the guys awesome. You can always count on a guys great sense of humor. Here's one I heard years ago from my dad who loves my mother a great deal and wouldn't hurt her ever. Anyway, here it is. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing! You already told her twice. WTH dad!!! Anyway, I hope you liked the jokes. I hope I haven't offended anyone, they're just jokes.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What's the difference between Yo' Mama and a chicken? A: A chicken lays eggs, and Yo' Mama lays everything else.
My mother-in-law stopped by today. She knocked on the door but before I could get up she walked in. She was shocked to see me laying on the couch totally naked. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for Dave to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Dave loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy." On the way home, the mother-in-law thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress," she replied. "Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
