Dad: Son, what do you want to be when you grow up? Son: I want to be a pizza delivery boy or a plumber. Dad: Stop watching porn son.
Two friends in a Bar: JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex? JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.
Why don't men make good carpenters?? They always lie about how long 6 inches is... Sent from my LG-H918 using Tapatalk
Trick or Treat! Top ten reasons why trick or treating is better than sex: 10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) You can do the whole neighborhood.
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $5000 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, ''You have acute appendicitis.'' The blonde yelled at the doctor... ''I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!''
Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet."
A man lying on a stretcher in the emergency room asks the doctor if he'll be okay. The doctor turns to him and says, "Well, there is good and bad news." "Tell me the bad news" says the man. "Well," says the doctor, "the bad news is that we are going to half to cut both your legs off." "Oh my God," cries the man, "what the hell is the good news?" "The good news is," replies the doctor, "see that man over there? He wants to buy your shoes."
After the lavish wedding reception, the newlyweds retired to their honeymoon suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some nice CDs to stack on the player. Then he excused himself and returned in pajamas and robe. He opened a bottle of champagne and poured them each a drink, unaware that his new bride had already had more than enough to drink. Finally, he took the girl of his dreams, whom he had wed after a whirl-wind courtship, by the hand and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. "Damn!" she muttered, "every stinking time I go out with a guy it always ends up the same way!"
A young lady who had got pregnant was told by her doctor she was having triplets. She started crying inconsolably so the doctor asked her what was wrong. She looked up and said "Do you know how long it will take me to find those three guys?"
A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change. The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.
Q: How do Redneck mothers know when their daughters are having their period? A: Their son's dicks taste funny!
One day there was an indian chief who was constipated. He sent one of his warriors to the witch doctor to get some medicine. The warrior says "big chief, no shit". The doctor gave him 1 pill and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow. The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "big chief, no shit". The doctor gives him five pills and tells him to give them to the chief. The next day the warrior appears at the witch doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, no shit". The doctor gets annoyed and so gives the warrior the whole bottle of pills to give to the chief. The next day the warrior goes back to the witch doctor "Big shit, no chief".
Wilfred had just learned his ABCs and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began. "A B C D E F G H I J L K M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z." His teacher said, "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? He replied, "It's running down my leg."
A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs. "You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs." Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs. "Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs." Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed. "Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina."
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Q: If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get? A: Tunnel vision!
How do you know when you're kissing a French Horn player?? She reaches around and sticks her fist in your ass
A man walks into a bar and sees an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?” "No thank you," she replies, "Alcohol is bad for my legs." "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" "No, they spread."
