A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the banister. "What are you doing?" he asks. She answers, "Warming up your dinner."
A small boy walks into his mothers room and catches her topless. "Mummy, mummy, what are these?" he says, pointing to her breasts. "Well, son," she says, "these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven." Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mummy, mummy, Aunt Mary is dying!" "What do you mean?" says his mother. "Well she's in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both her balloons are out, Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling 'God, I'm coming! I'm coming!!!'"
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?" The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?" The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"
As you know, voting results in Florida elected George W. Bush president. This was suppose to have catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry). Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others swore they would leave the country if George Bush was elected president. They Haven't left yet. This is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate. For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen "refugee" as they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.You will help, won't you? It costs so little but it means so much. Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.
A man arrived home to see his wife & his best friend in bed together. He angrily told his wife to pack up & leave. He then turned to his best friend and said : Bad Dog!
Two cups of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here." One cup of yogurt says, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. Both are startled and he says "Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast I know you'll forgive me." She replies "If your cock is as hard as your elbow I'm in room 77."
2 Blondes were at the bar talking about relationships. 1st woman says= Every woman in this world wants & needs a intelligent husband, caring husband, loving husband, sexy husband, giving husband. 2nd woman says= The law allows us only one husband. That's why I'm a lesbian.
A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating." The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'" Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life." The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate." Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."
On the night of the school Christmas party, a boy's girlfriend is changing upstairs. The boyfriend is waiting in the living room with the girlfriend's grandpa and her dog, Rover. As the girlfriend is getting ready the boyfriend says to himself, ''Man I really gotta fart, I think I will let a little out.'' So he does and the grandpa yells ''ROVER!'' The boy thinks to himself, ''All right, now he thinks it's the dog. I think I will let a little more out.'' So he does and the grandpa yells again, ''ROVER!'' The boyfriend says to himself, ''All right, now he really thinks it's the dog. I think I will let the rest out.'' So he lets it rip and the grandpa yells, ''Rover, get over here before that guy poops on you!''
There'a a pickle, a penis, and a cucumber. The pickle says, "When I get big and juicy, they put me in a sealed jar full of vinegar." The cucumber says, "When I get big and juicy, they cut me up and put me in a salad." The penis finally says, "Well, when I get big and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, and bang my head against the wall in a dark room until I throw up."
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional. All I want is an occasional piece in the living room."
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper that reads: Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed. Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?!?”
One day some guys were doing a survey between "boxers" or "briefs". They went to a 25 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said briefs. They went to a 40 year old man and said "boxers" or "briefs"? He said boxers. Then they went up to a 80 year old man and said "boxers" or briefs"? And the old man replied "depends?"
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
A frat boy gets into the back of a cab and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws up.
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
This guy is standing outside on his balcony on the 5th floor of his apartment when he spots this gorgeous babe sunbathing on the 3rd floor balcony wearing the skimpiest bathing suit he's ever seen. He watches her for 3 days straight, and can't stand it any longer. He sends down a note on a piece of string: ''If you want me to make love to you please pull on the string once. If not please pull slowly 20 times and then faster another 10."
Four men are out golfing one day. The first man steps up to tee and states boastfully, "My son is so rich that he bought his lover a house." The second man steps up to tee and says, "Well, MY son is so rich that he bought his lover a new car." The third man steps up and says, "My son is so wealthy that he bought his lover a vacation home in Miami. "Finally, the fourth man goes to tee and he says, "Well, my son isn't rich and self-made like yours and he's gay, and from what I hear, despite my objections, he has 3 separate lovers and from them he just got a new house, a new car, and a summer home in Miami!"
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her house, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye."
Two guys are drinking in a bar. Soon, a gorgeous brunette comes in. The first guy says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" "What Did You Just Say?" she asks. "Particularly nasty weather," he replies. The brunette says, "Oh," and leaves. Then a really hot redhead walks in. The first guy looks in her eyes and says, "Tickle your ass with a feather?" Her face lights up and she purrs, "Yeah!" So they leave and two hours later the first guy comes back for another drink. Shocked, the second guy asks the first one how he did it. He explains that he uses the line on every woman, and if they're shocked he covers by saying, "Particularly nasty weather," but otherwise, some girls are up for it. Eager to try it, the second guy waits for another woman to enter the bar. Soon a blonde walks in. He nervously says, "Stick your ass with a feather?" "EXCUSE ME?" shouts the blonde. The guy reddens and stutters, "Uh, sorry, um... did you know it's fucking raining out?"
