@BigAlbowski did a low-budget movie of two normal people breaking up in a coffee shop. It was both bittersweet and heartwarming because it centered on how they got to this point and what they could've done differently. There was no good guy and no bad guy - just two people trying to make the best out of a sad event. But since it had neither betrayal of one person by the other person exposing some dark secret, people hitting each other over the head with chairs, or shape-changing ninja robots it was a box office flop.
@Jim DiGriz spent the weekend helping a blue hedgehog find his gold rings while evading a crazed scientist wanting to know the secrets of the hedgehog 's power.
The streets lain choked with dust. Packs of emaciated dogs picked through the remnants of the formerly lush world, and the people that were left weren't doing any better. Nobody knew when everything would finally end, but everybody knew when it began . . . "Mr. Albowski? Mr. Albowski? Why don't you come out of your office before you do something foolish?" "What's going on in here, Gail? I could hear the noise from down the hall!" "It's @BigAlbowski , sir. He's started work on that forbidden project!" "What?!? Oh my God! Al, get the hell out of there! You're messing with things you don't understand!" "Gary, I've watched them all - Doom, Mortal Kombat, Mario Brothers - even Double Dragon! And I know where they went wrong! So I can finally do the impossible - I can create a video game movie that's actually good!" And Al did create a movie with characters with personalities and motivations instead of a 90 minute toy commercial. His movie spoke to people, got inside them. But when you've got a flawed concept like a video game movie, when the movie gets inside people the flaw does too. The transportation sector went first - when your life is a waking nightmare it's impossible to see the road. Power and utilities went next because people stopped coming to work - what's the point? Xanax manufacturers tried to turn the tide with free samples, but by that point it was far too late. With nobody doing anything but bemoaning their place in the world, worldwide financial collapse came and the world trickled to a whimper. Note: The next lie I tell won't be this depressing. Although, technically, it's BigAlbowski's fault.
@Jim DiGriz sneaks into Burger King after hours to fix his own burgers because he really wants to "Have it your way at Burger King" like the ad promised.
@BigAlbowski burst into a Burger King and shouted: "I didn't say I wanted pickles! I said I wanted to get pickled! For crying out loud - you people can turn a potato into french fries in 3.6 seconds, but you can't get some peppermint schnapps in here?!?"
When @BigAlbowski couldn't get an iPhone with 7G, he decided to take his iPhone and subject it to 7 gs. And while his phone doesn't work anymore, it's much flatter now!
@Jim DiGriz is working meticulously on a 10' by 20' tapestry depicting the late Dennis Hof and the ladies of the BunnyRanch.
@BigAlbowski had a co-worker who he despised. Smug and condescending, he let everyone know that he was smarter than they were. For months Al not only wanted revenge, but to make him suffer. He read The Cask of Amontillado to prepare for how devious he'd have to be, so when his enemy revealed a weakness Al was ready. His enemy was a self-proclaimed expert on oriental tapestries and would lecture the office on how even the greatest ones would deliberately have a flaw. This was the artist acknowledging that, just as their art was flawed, so was the artist flawed as a human being. And so Al created his own tapestry of Dennis Hof and the ladies of the ranch, perfect in every way except for the requisite flaw. As a final touch he embroidered a poem: In memoriam providing enjoyment - relaxing fantasies explored, craving touch is openly normal And he showed his tapestry to his hated enemy, daring him to find the imperfection. Surely, he mocked, someone so smart should be able to find it easily. So he looked, but found . . . nothing. The people were lifelike, indistinguishable from a photo. The weaving was smooth as unbroken silk. And not a thread was out of place. "What are you trying to pull?", he said, "There's nothing wrong with this tapestry!". "Well", said Al, "if you're willing to admit that you're not as good as me I'll be happy to explain it. And I'll use small words." After that his enemy couldn't back down. The tapestry and its imperfection never left his mind. He'd study it for hours, neglecting sleep and eventually his work responsibilities. Poor performance reviews followed, along with the irritability that comes with insomnia. The final straw came when his supervisor found him gibbering in a conference room, stripped to the waist after having covered every square inch of the room with copies of that hated tapestry. The men in the white coats came, expertly bundled him up, and took him away. Al's coworkers looked at Al with awe (and frankly a little fear) and asked what in God's name he'd done to the guy. To which Al chuckled and said "Forest for the trees, forest for the trees . . .".
@Jim DiGriz ordered 100 boxes of toilet paper to horde during the Covid-19 crisis but received copier paper by mistake! His butt is quite sore at this point!
@BigAlbowski not only ordered 100 boxes of toilet paper, he actually got them! But with so many people in need he decided to just give them away. Things were going fine until the local paper got wind of it and made it a light-hearted human interest story. The headline: Holy roller wipes out scarcity!
@Jim DiGriz has been working on a Rube Goldberg machine during isolation that goes through several complex steps... Solely to turn on the TV!
The good news is that @OI369 made a fascinating documentary about the affect that CV has had on the country and individual families. The bad news is that after it started to get popular he hired a second-rate marketing firm to let people know about it. Their tagline of telling everyone the movie was "going viral" was not the best choice of words.
@BigAlbowski will only play the Metaphysical version of Trivial Pursuit, where all the questions are like "What is the power of love?". Since nobody can ever agree on what the right answer is, he never loses.
@Jim DiGriz has taken the toilet paper he has hoarded and is doing shot by shot remakes of the Universal "Mummy" movies!
@BigAlbowski ignored the lockdown to go to a garage sale and bought the Necronomicon. He started reading it and the book summoned a mummy, which of course tried to kill Al. Nothing stopped it - not blades, bullets, or flames. So Al thought quickly, ran into a Wal-Mart, and shouted to the hundreds of customers: "Hey, everybody! It's a walking stack of toilet paper! And it's free!" The mob, which had been reduced to using leaves for their bathroom time, tore into the mummy and destroyed it instantly. Lessons from this story: Don't break lockdown Don't read the Necronomicon Don't go into Wal-Mart
Note: BigAl and I deserve some sort of award for most consecutive posts about summoning the undead on a brothel forum. @BigAlbowski had been stuck inside for so long that he used black magic to summon a horde of zombies, just to have something to do. They came in the dead of night - eyes vacant and glazed and clothing matted with putrid layers of filth. Al was overjoyed and sent pictures to everyone he knew with the caption "BigAl - Lord of the Damned!" He was considerably less pleased when he woke up the next day to find out that these were just people who didn't know the deadline for filing taxes had been extended to July, and had so spent the last two days doing their taxes.
@BigAlbowski is eating the same thing I am. The difference is after he got that food shipment he was immediately calling customer support where he shouted: "You said that for $24.95 a month I would get all the themed porn I wanted! Themed porn!!! I've heard of language barriers and how these words sound the same, but they're just not!!!"
(I'll be honest, I had no idea what a Tiger King was. So I watched a video that carefully explained it - still no clue.) @BigAlbowski wanted to combine Tiger King with Burger King. That way he'd have the high-end clientele of the former with name recognition of the latter, and every rich person would be buying his product. But due to a software error he wound up with Tiger Burgers. So customers not only got a sandwich they couldn't afford, but they also got tagged with a federal wildlife endangerment charge.
@BigAlbowski thought The Hamster King wasn't gritty enough, so he made a show called The Rat King. The people from The Nutcracker came around with a claim of copyright infringement. Their method of enforcing that claim, they said, should be evident from their name. Turns out The Hamster King is a pretty good show!
@Jim DiGriz needed a full hour to wash the orange residue from Cheese Puffs off his chest after a binge of the "Cathouse" Series!
@BigAlbowski binge-watched crime dramas and decided to do the first thing they do on those shows, which is dust for prints. He didn't have actual fingerprint powder so he used Cheetos dust. The results were disturbing - someone had been using his remote control and getting their hands all over his favorite DVDs! He wasn't sure what to do next. So he watched the next season of crime dramas to find out.
@Jim DiGriz has discovered he has a ghost in his home during quarentine... thankfully he befriended him and has become a great billiards player to help time go by!
@BigAlbowski thinks it's great to have someone to have someone to play pool with, even if they're a ghost. Unfortunately, my particular ghost is a poltergeist. Seriously, you try playing a game that's based on physics against an opponent that can use telekinesis!
@Jim DiGriz has hoarded 200 cases of Chef Boy-ar-dee Ravioli for the quarantine but hasn't opened one.... just in case!
@BigAlbowski was drinking with an old college buddy who bet him $1,000 that he couldn't go for a week only eating Chef Boy-ar-dee Ravioli. He could prepare it any way he wanted and could add any spices he wanted. The only condition is that anything he added could not have significant calories. To that end, Al made Regular ravioli Pureed ravioli (bad mistake) Curried ravioli Poached ravioli (gross - the texture is like phlegm) Toasted ravioli (pretty good - if you slice it thin first, it's like chips) Ravioli L'orange Ravioli Au Jus And so Al ate. And ate. And ate. And ate. And by the end of the week he'd won the bet. And by the end of the next week, he wished he hadn't.
@Jim DiGriz has dug up his backyard to find earthworms and has painted numbers on each one. He races them around a track made from an old cooler and announces the action through a loud speaker! God I hope NASCAR races soon!
I'm aware that this could get me kicked off this board because it's an awful, awful joke. But some things you just do for the good of humanity. Or for science. (Eh, it's just because I'm a jerk) @BigAlbowski created a racing track in his own backyard, but instead of using worms he used snails. And instead of painting numbers on them, he used letters. And then when enough people came over, he'd start the race and say: "Wow! Look at that 'S' car go!"
@Jim DiGriz has been playing music on 20 empty whiskey bottles... perfecting a rendition of the "All in the Family" Theme song.
