A young blonde lady is in the hospital for an operation. She says, "Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?" He says, "You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!"
The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?" At this point, a Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired... "How much for a season pass?"
Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?" Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
I love all these funny jokes haha great thread!! Everyone needs a little laughter and smiles in their life Sent from my VS425PP using Tapatalk
Q: How does a yuppie couple perform doggie-style sex? A: He sits up and begs and she lies down and plays dead.
!!!!!!!!!! The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from. The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree. The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties." ''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl. The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?" The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed." The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...'' Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Well that was very interesting to read!! hehe what a bad girl. Little Trickster Sent from my VS425PP using Tapatalk
Mr. And Mrs. Johnson are at the hospital about to deliver their first child. The doctor asks if they want to be part of an experiment, and if they participate all of their hospital costs will be free. Mrs. Johnson will be hooked up to a machine that will transfer different levels of birthing pain to the father to make the process easier. They both say, “Let’s do it!” Doc: I’m starting the machine to transfer 25% of your pain, Mrs. Johnson. How do you feel? Mrs.: It’s not bad at all! Mr.: I don’t feel a thing! Doc: Push, Mrs. johnson! And I’m upping the percentage to a 50% pain transfer! Mrs.: It hurts, but I can do this! Mr.: You can do it honey! I’m strong, I’ve got this! I can’t feel shit! Doc, go ahead and up the level to 100%! Doc: Yes, sir! Pain is 100% transferred! The machine is a success! One last push, Mrs. Johnson! It’s a boy! The Johnsons return home from the hospital with their new arrival, feeling wonderful about being new parents, having no hospital bills, and being pain free. Until they find the mailman dead on the front porch.
Maria, a maid, asks her boss for a raise. Her boss is annoyed and asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a raise?" Maria: "Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an raise. First, I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh." Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.." The wife is obviously upset: "Did my husband say that ?" Maria: "No, Señora, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed. Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but if I were you, I'd brace myself!"
Tom and Tim, both gay, were traveling on a plane. "Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Tom. "Are you crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it, said Tim." "Nobody is paying attention to anything. Watch this." Tom stands up and asks loudly: "Could I please have a magazine?" Nobody looks at him. Everyone is sleeping, reading or looking out the window. "They really wouldn't notice then, would they?" said Tim. So Tom and Tim have wild sex on the plane. Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the flight attendant sees an old man who puked all over his shirt and pants. "Sir, you should've asked for a bag!" "I didn't dare" whispered the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a magazine and he got screwed in the ass..."
A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!" "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school. "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!" Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work."Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
There was an old couple laying in bed. The man turns and tells the woman, "If you want to have sex, pull on my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull on my dick one hundred times."
Three hillbillies were in a discussion about their wives. The first hillbilly says, “My wife is so dumb, she wants a vacuum cleaner. We ain’t got no electricity.” The second hillbilly says, “That ain’t nothin’. My wife is so dumb, she wants one one of those diswashers. We ain’t got no running water.” The third hillbilly says, “I got y’all beat! My wife is so dumb, she has condoms in her purse. She ain’t even got no pecker.”