For @Air Force Amy An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery. The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.” The Irishman replies, “That’s just simple thievery. I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.” The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says, “Okay, my friend, where’s the magic trick?” The Irishman says, “Look in the Englishman’s pocket.”
ROBOT SEX Q: What do you call a robot whose sole purpose is to have one-night stands? A: Nuts and bolts
I’m the SAME way! I love jokes but I butcher them whenever I try to recite them! Haha Old silly kindergarten joke I always seem to recall: Knock knock! Who’s there? Lettuce! Lettuce who? Lettuce in it’s cold out !
On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body. She said, "I can't wear your pants." "That's right," said the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the one who wears the pants in the family." The bride took off her panties and asked her new husband to try them on. "No way. I can't get into your panties." he said. "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your attitude."
Im horrible at jokes and mine are either naughty or corny or both... So I knew this little old lady who was in her 90s, sweet as sugar. She was sittinf outside and telling me about her husbands last request. She said, " he told me when he died that he wanted to be cremated and put in a douche bottle and have her run him through again"... She said "it was a little gritty at first".... Did i at least make someone laugh?
A man tells his son that if he doesn't quit masturbating, he's gonna go blind. The son says, "Dad, I'm over here!"
A little girl asked her mother how she got here. Her mother, misty-eyed, smiled and replied, “Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. The little seed grew more and more leaves, and in a few months it turned into a beautiful healthy plant. So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high that we fucked without a condom.”
I once dated a girl who had a twin. People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy. Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.
Went to a Chinese restaurant today with my new girlfriend to celebrate our two month anniversary. The philosophical message in my fortune cookie read, "Every exit is an entrance." Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
A female Olympic swimmer was talking with one of her teammates about using steroids. She claimed that she was going to quit taking them because she was growing hair in scary places. When her friend asked her where the hair was growing, she replied, "On my nuts."
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests. The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, "I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin." The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the girl explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the guy replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh God no!" the girl says. "I just got sick of waiting."
The newly married man came home from work to find his new bride stretched provocatively on the sofa, dressed in a negligee. "Guess what I have planned for dinner?" she asked seductively. "And don't you dare tell me you had it for lunch today."
Walking home after a blowout Halloween party, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
After sex, a lot of people like to smoke a cigarette. As a gay man, me and my boyfriend smoke weed after sex. After all, in the bible it says "if a man lies with another man, he should be stoned."
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the doctor, "Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
One day there was a boy at school. He needed to go to the toilet. The teacher said "Say your ABCs first" The boy started saying "A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y Z" The teacher asked at the end "Where is your P?" The boy answered "Running down my pants!!"
A man and a woman have just had their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband turns to his wife and asks, "What do you want to do to celebrate our anniversary dear?" She replies, "Let's run upstairs and make love." He turns to her and says, "Well make up your mind, we can't do both!"
An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program. The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed. Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me. "So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch. The little old lady turned to her husband and said "He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
Bernie and Jane are an elderly couple who have decided to get married late in life. While they have not yet been intimate, Bernie thinks it would be a good idea to know how Jane feels about this. He asks her about her desires regarding frequency of sexual intimacy. Jane replies that she likes sex infrequently. Bernie, being ever the optimist says, "Is that one word or two?"
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek. Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, then got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!
