Go commando I have a crush on the barista at the place where I get my morning tea, is it me or the tea?
Switch to espresso, then you’ll know for sure! I started a new workout to prepare for bikini season, but I’m having a hard time sticking with it!
2 words... magic marker Been using up my sick days to stay home and jerk off, I'm running out of sick days
Gather up all your happy tissues and send a picture to your boss requesting more “sad tissue days” My pet beaver won’t quit gnawing at my furniture !! What to do?!
Get a pet rooster to keep an eye on it. (See what I did there?) My water isnt wet enough what do I do?
Lmao love what ya did there!! I sometimes have that issue with my water. Have you tried adding lube ???
UV tanning is overrated and underwhelming, have you tried tanning at night by a bonfire?? Never fails! My friends birthday is coming up but I’m not sure what to get them as a gift! Suggestions ??
Your presence at the birthday party is all the gift they could ever want! My dog keeps getting into the neighbor’s chicken coop!
Just lead bullion cubes right to the door of the coop....You know to deter him from the real chickens.
Stuff twinkies in your cheeks like a chipmunk. They never go bad because of all the preservatives. Just keep some stored there. I throw bananas at drivers that follow too close, how else should I channel my rage?
start punching brick walls, it really builds character. I'm always tired despite sleeping, what should I do?
Sleep on the clock and ignore all responsibilities. I can't decide whether to buy 10 cats or 10 dogs, and my apartment wont let me keep them anyway. What should I do?
Find someone who loves junk food as much as you do. I like driving too fast in other peoples cars...... What should I do?
Challenge every single car you see on the 395 to a drag race!! I’m running out of panties and the washer is broke! What should I do?
Cut up curtains in a hotel room and make more. I like to steal beach balls when no one is looking, but I'm out of room to store more at home. What do I do?
Start stealing golf balls instead takes up 95% less room I want to be a singer but my voice is terrible! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
You're an expert with the harp guitar! Why do you need to sing? I'm a pirate. Everyone I talk to gets arrested and thrown in Federal prison! Why did the Federal government make it illegal to communicate with pirates?
Start investing in antique coins. Spend money to make money! I’m late for work, and can’t find my car keys!
